Everything is overdone to the point that nothing feels worth doing anymore. Any contact with another is one too much that I am not able to take in anymore. Every distraction, drug or material I could own fails to bring me higher but just knocks my head to the ceiling of the prison I find myself in. I am alone at this point and being even further away from everything and everybody else in a place far away seems to be the only way to find myself again.
The man on speaker keeps repeating the teaching over and over again. Hearing his monologue is the only contact I have and even though his tone is freaking me out, I choose to listen to his wisdom and give his ideas of how to find a way back to myself a chance. The idea I have of “what is me?” is the first one to be challenged. Everything the ‘I’ has achieved and owns shall not matter anymore. It is its naked potential that needs to be freed from all the layers covering it. Behind the endless, distracting stories of the man on speaker, I find that he is pointing at the core that it all comes down to - accepting reality as it is, not as I would like it to be.
So here I am, all by myself and without a thing to consume or a way to express. Everything that happens takes place within myself in a motionless body for twelve hours a day, over ten long days. I feel a tiny movement of air on the inside of my nose as my breath flows in, and out and in and out. But at first focusing purely on this sensation for more than a minute seems impossible. My mind wanders everywhere, to connections with loved ones, fights I’ve had, friends I’ve lost, and all the stories from the past that have no inherent reality. It is only the voice inside not accepting what has happened that keeps the past alive and disconnecting me from being in the present. This voice does not trust - it was taught to control, never giving its power away to a guidance bigger than itself.
It is the hardest path I have ever walked on. The temptation to leave it is enormous and growing every moment. But every single time I choose to stay in the silence - in a fight between the old, and the new to come.
I accept. All those long, learned and deeply carved beliefs that made me react with fear, anger and hatred begin to shatter and feeling this happen comes with a form of fear again. As if I’m entering a new land without knowing if the tools I am bringing can keep me strong enough to discover this territory. Will I be able to learn something from square one that can replace old beliefs with new ones? Something which can help me to turn the poison into nectar?
I am taking the step onto unknown shores. Since the moment I set sail from solid ground on the other side of that ocean I had already decided to look for a new land, without a way back. It has always been a scary act but one that leads to growth and expansion for those who have decided that life back there is not worth continuing with. It felt so worthless back there that I would have died inside. I needed to start a journey following a spark of hope that there could be a life that feels alive and worth living.
The time in the hall with the man on speaker came to an end but his words and practice of being in observation with what is, stay with me. I am taking the practice on a journey to the highest mountains in Winter, where I met your coldness. The coldness that has been shaped through years of traveling the globe alone and made callousness a necessity for your survival. All the places you have been, all the souls you have met and let go of again, all the spiritual practice you went through might have grown your ability to be whole within yourself, without the need of others. To me it feels like you don’t care deeply about anything or anybody anymore. I can still sense a trace of that flattering sweetness you once had which has turned into the ruse that define your actions now.
You move on, I stay. There is no reason to rush for an arrival since all I was hoping to find is already all around and in me. Vast land and silence, surrounded by mountains that make me grasp at my tininess in space and time. Sitting in front of this giant, majestic wall of ice I am thinking that long after all the humans on this planet have left - it will still be here, slowly growing up into the sky. It is relaxing to see the irrelevance of my own life from a bigger perspective. It makes me realise that the importance I think my life has - is something I learnt to believe in, and letting go of it, I feel incredibly light.
I longed for the loneliness up here, surrounded by nature with only the most simple task of walking up into thinner air. Away from abstract online connectivity, away from weed, alcohol and away from others to share with. I continue to choose the pain that comes with disconnection and reveals the core inside of me that everything else is built upon. After the freezing pass is crossed, the first signs of a warming Spring touch my scalded skin. I begin to discover the world like a curious newborn, wanting to connect and experience with an open heart. But after thirty years of unfolding I choose to open my deepest heart space with more care - knowing better where my light is received with gratitude and reflected back to me.
Landing back in my strength and into the world of constant distraction, services and goods - back in a society that is asking me where I am of best use for it. While I find myself wondering where can I bloom, and shine my light from deep inside for others to receive? Unless one has chosen to live life in a cave away from interacting and relating, the question is always going to come back “Where do you want to invest your life at this moment?”.
Some that I have met fully trust that every moment is the one they are supposed to be in right now. They have no fear that the dots they make with every step will evolve into a beautiful painting. Having a concept of future and making decisions based on that is something unique to us humans. Being aware only of this moment is not our natural state. I ask myself if I can hold the innocence of a child that doesn’t yet know of the pain that comes with loving and losing others. One that chooses the beauty of every moment not distracted by the pain it could bring, and then, like an enlightened one, accepting suffering when it comes to cover everything with its blanket of darkness.
The last words are spoken and once again one I am moving on. Why wouldn’t you stay a bit longer? Why did we play so high and put our hearts into each others hands, just to run on and start it all over again, somewhere new? What is it that stops you from exploring this connection for a while just to see where, with a little trust, we could reach?
Tears roll down her cheeks. I apologize saying, “I have to”. I take a picture and in doing so I go back to my love of creative expression that I choose to hold on to, whatever comes.
Is there a place for me where life feels worth living? An idea of what a ‘fulfilled life’ is, made into reality by a group that I can fit into? One where I can share truthful and solid togetherness with others while giving my need for freedom the space it desires? Or will I be able to flourish in a space that asks me to stick to more structure and commitment than I have had and loved in my twenties? Is being centered and strong within myself without the net of others to hold me the destiny I cannot and should not try to escape?
As time moves on and a lot of my years are invested in the lessons learned in the uncertainty of not trying to know too much about tomorrow, a clarity slowly starts to show itself. A structure in relationships gives me a sense of freedom because I know that there is something I can rely on. A safe space in connection to others that feel close. They know me in my strength as well as in my weakness and can contain me in both states of being. It relaxes me and allows me to explore my capacities more freely because I know I am not alone, even though there might not be a hand to hold onto in this present moment.
Making sure that every step forward is one that feels truthful and from the heart is all I can do. There is no way to connect the dots of every action looking forward, just trusting that it will be alright is essential to let life flow to wherever it’s supposed to go.
Nepal 2018