„Wherever you look, you see yourself“ said the sign in colorful, handwritten letters, posted just outside the little oasis. Two jet planes in low flight, a ripped couch and vast empty land was all I could see when I walked out for the first time after a morning meditation of expressive dancing and screaming to the point of total exhaustion among a dozen others. I might be even more lost in confusion with who I am, or think to be, than when I came to this Ashram in the desert.
Weeks pass by - endless hugs are saying the unspoken and strangers become mirrors of myself. The pain, fear and anger they feel are mine in a different shape. But when we are able to open our hearts and trust in the power of honest communication and connection, we unfold in the safe space we have created in our community. Screams, ecstasy, tears and vulnerability are all welcomed emotions. In this place I am not “too much” anymore, since everybody is craving to be touched below the surface. Everybody is longing for a deeper kind of love, one that is true and total in strength and weakness.
Together, we create an unreal place, sustaining itself in this capitalist world. We hold space for others to escape their routine boxes for a few days and share our spark with them. The space invites us to experiment with our sexuality, with our ways of relating in love and friendship. The range of what can be experienced in this safety is enormous and our spark becomes fire once we allow expression to the fullest, to dive into the wildest dreams we had hidden deep down for so long. - whatever that may mean for us.
There is a paradox though in this world of spiritual teachings. The ego is considered to be something to let go of, something that is in your way of growth and merging with the whole. I experience this to be a hard lesson to learn but true in its core. At the same time there is an indulgence of working on ourselves and our ‘personal’ growth; “Me first, and if my needs collide with yours, it is up to you to let go of your ego that is hurt by me following my path - accept reality!” Wise words, once thought without ego are now used in service of its gratification, as the easiest way out of personal responsibility for how your actions affect others.
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Still shaking the shell and screaming at this barrier that separates who I am, from the one I could be. We are breathing connected, my fingers start cramping, the room is filled with groaning, screaming, laughing - then calm sets in as I start talking to this wall, putting myself above it just by believing it to be possible.
This present moment is so full of deep, gentle joy that it makes me want to explode right here and now! My body just feels too small to contain the idea of being one with everything. I am trapped in it, tied to keeping this shell alive and steering it through this thing called life, while making it a servant to the whole - call it God, the Universe or just the force that keeps everything continuing creation.
Strange dresses and hats transform my body into a bird of paradise, or nakedness leaves myself open for everybody to see, and teaches me to love and accept the skin I’ve been placed in for this phase of being.
I’m starting to lose what they said is sanity as I look into the eyes of the inner child who hasn’t yet started to build walls. Who doesn’t know yet of the myths we have created to arrange society, and the pains that come with loving and losing others. The child is curious, open and ready to follow the way of the heart into an unrestrained journey of discovery.
2016 in Israel